First of all, a brief background of the Chinese :

The Chinese formed one of the oldest and most advanced civilizations somewhere in the east, where they developed scientific advancements such as the compass, gunpowder, and other rot which we use now. Unless, of course, one has been reading the history textbooks used in Malaysian schools, which credits every single bloody invention to the Muslims.

The Chinese came up with many firsts, some of them arguable, such as the compass mentioned earlier. What cannot be argued is that the Chinese were also the first to sell out their entire country to an outside power. British, closed-door policy, and opium ring a bell? Also, they were probably the first to develop something infinitely powerful and to be used for something infinitely stupid. They developed gunpowder, the stuff that would probably have helped them achieved world domination (if they had such intentions), and what did they so with it? THEY FUCKING LAUNCHED FUCKING FIREWORKS INTO THE SKY! And what did the westerners do with it when they got their hands on the stuff? Develop guns and explosives. Boom! Boom! Good-bye squinty-eyed Chinaman!

Well, the Chinese have gone a far way since then to alleviate the stupidity karma of their ancestors. Some are awarded Nobel Prizes, some make a fortune for themselves, some write Pultizer-prize winning books, some write good blog entries, and some open mamaks in Taman Mayang which serves the best damn blackpepper ham spaghetti you'll ever eat. But then again, there are the other ones...

The Chinese have unfortunately regressed back into their self-destructive roots. Those back here would be familiar with the term Ah Beng, the female equivalent being Ah Lian, but for purposes of writing, I'll use the collective term of "Ah Beng". These self-proclaimed guardians of the Chinese heritage are pulling us back into the Cheecheongfun Dynasty, along with those damned Chinese Azns overseas. I swear I've never seen such abuse for Stickykeys (aZN prIDeZ).

The Ah Bengs look with pride that they are "truly Chinese"in the sense that they can't fucking speak English or Bahasa Malaysia, and call those who can "Bananas" - Yellow on the outside, White on the inside. And that they mix with their own kind, unlike us traitors. However, an analysis shows that underneath all that patriotism, lies an envy for the caucasian. Ah Bengs not only envy the White Man, they wished that they were white themselves! These can be seen in :


1. Their hair. All Ah Bengs dye their hair blonde. Not natural blonde, but brightunnaturalblindyouinthesun blonde. Why not green, or red, or blue? Because blonde is a hair color typical of "perfect" caucasians. and I'm sure Hitler would agree with me on this one.

2. Dress. Ah Bengs typically wear slim-cut, three-quarter sleeved button down shirts, and bell-bottomed pants with the circumference of a large pizza. If they were the guardians of Chinese culture as they say they are, shouldn't they be wearing cheongsams and samfus? No... they're copying the white man's fashion sense. Sure they missed it by about 30 years when the white man was still doing the Night Fever, but you can't blame them. Ah Bengs are stupid.

3. Cars. The saying goes that if you give an Ah Beng a stylish car, he'll find a way to make it look like a piece of turd. And that's true. An Ah Beng car would be painted some gaudy color probably taken off a kid's paint set. And the cheap blue LEDs placed in random parts of the car, usually the hood or door. And the crapass bodykits which look as if taken off the scene of Jag's lastest car accident. But still... cars are a WESTERN innovation. I don't see no modified trishaws or bullock carts to make me eat my words.

4. Obsession with the color blue. From cars to handphones, Ah Bengs use blue light modifications. This is a reference to the again stereotypical "perfect" caucasian - Blue eyes. Being idiots, they never realised that there are such things as colored contact lenses, and so hope that all that blue light reflecting into their eyes would somehow change the pigmentation. I bet they would relate to Hitler really well if not for the fact that the only revolutionary figure they know of is Mao Ze Dong.

5. Music. No Chinese opera, loads of Chinese techno booming out of cars to advertise the fact that they listen to Chinese music. Techno is not of Chinese origin. Enough said.  


So therefore, Ah Bengs are introvertedly white. My heartfelt sympathy goes to the Caucasians. And as for the Ah Bengs, you need to add the "Cauc" to the "asian" if you ever want the chance to be cauc-asian. Go learn some fucking English and proper etiquette.




Stay tuned for  Part II : When Ah Bengs Attack